Zakk Wylde 2010: The Cry of the Wylde!!!

February 24th 2010
Author Christo Strom

This Great Pumpkin Letter goes out for Black Label Society fans,
band members, Barbaranne Wylde, and of course the Zakkster.
May you ROCK FOREVER EVERYONE!!!

Zakk Wylde 2010: Cry of the Wylde- An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo decided in 2009 that this would be the Year of The Great Pumpkin

2010. So all you sleigh riders and jingle bell jinglers can step aside this year. 2010 here we are and here we are going to rock. Without pissing off the Pope, I give you the most important Pumpkin Letter ever written ( to date there are a little over thirty if you are counting:). This is titled Cry of the Wylde but it could very well have been titled The Blessed P-RIDE. So without wasting any more time, let's rock!

Now to set this scene up, I am using Zakk Wylde's Orange and Black Buzzsaw guitar ( my personal favorite!) on a half pipe skateboard ramp with three feet of vertical and a brass slide. I am practicing my Off the lip into the fire hole dancing skateboard maneuver while trying to play the lead to Gary Rossington's FREE BIRD. It is actually hard to do and I have yet to pull this one off. For this conversation, Chief Crazy Captain Christo is disguised as The Blessed Orange Wood or BOW for you shorties out there. And Zakk Wylde is having his name changed to kWy. It is a bold move for Chief Crazy Captain Christo to call Zakk kWy but that is why he is the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo.

OK now on with the show. Enter Zakk Wylde

kWy: Hey Chief Crazy Captain Christo, you pissed off the Pope again!”

BOW: What?( Rob Zombie's song Thumpin in Chief Crazy Captain Christo's ear phones)

I can't here you Zakk.

kWy: I said you pissed off the Pope again! The Pope was pissed that you sided with Americans

and that Rome could go suck an egg! He wants an apology before midnight tonight or else he said he was going to send over the ROMAN candles that you sent him.”

BOW: The Pope says he wants me to apologize before midnight tonight? Hey Zakk what day is it today?”

kWy:” It's January 14^th , 2010”

BOW:” Let's see. What is so special about this day. Don't tell me Zakk let me guess.”

kWy: “ It's....”

But before Zakk could finish the sentence Chief Crazy Captain Christo blurted out

BOW: “ I know it was the day Ozzy pissed on the Alamo down in San Antonio which was kind of a freudian slip on Ozzy's part since Tony Iommi is mentioned in another Pumpkin Letter. Am I right Zakk?”

Dejected, Zakk slumped his shoulders as if a terrible weight was thrust on them and he slouched toward the door. A tiny tear developed on Zakk's left eye and was about to fall when out of the blue and over Zakk's right shoulder came floating on the wind the immortal words of Chief Crazy Captain Christo.....

BOW: “HAPPY ORANGE LABEL YELLER BACK IN BLACK LABEL ETERNAL.”

Zakk Wylde's emotions got the best of him. He turned around and looked. A sight for sore eyes beheld a sight he would never forget. There on the skateboard ramp was Chief Crazy Captain Christo holding a picture of Dimebag.

BOW: “ Happy Birthday Zakk. What you did for Darrell there are no words from me that could show as much respect or appreciation. So today on your birthday, let's finish the job for Darrell. Will you help me organize a little get together down in Dallas on say Super Bowl Sunday in Dallas? I am writing you in advance because I want you and Rob Zombie and Everyone you guys deem worthy of what I would call THE GREATEST ACT OF RESPECT ever assembled. I will put my ASS on the line and help out in any way possible. After all, I am Chief Crazy Captain Christo and I came to Rock and Roll. If this will be my professional debut, then so be it.”

kWy: “ Who are you Chief Crazy Captain Christo? Some kind of God or something?”

BOW: “ No quite the contrary. I am a blessed Halloween Knight and I will not apologize to the Pope on your birthday Zakk. He is going to have to wait in line like everyone else. Now listen here Zakk, we have no time to lose.”

This has been another abbreviated version of The Great Pumpkin Letters. Stay tuned for more in 2010!

Gary Rossington: The Awesome Rebel G

February 23rd 2010
Author Christo Strom

Gary Rossington: “The Awesome” Rebel G – An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo takes time out of his busy day to reflect and ponder about

a guitar player whom he selectively has given the nickname of “ The Awesome”. Now you might

think I'm crazy to give a nickname to someone I have never spoken to live. You would be mostly right about that. I am crazy but with a capital SEA. Led by a rebel rocker, the band is well known beyond belief. Shakin like a leaf on a tree, I casually walked around the Great Minnesota Get Together recently headlined by Kid Rock , and was flabbergasted that Lynyrd Skynyrd was the opening act. To give you a perspective on why I am calling Gary Rossington “ The Awesome “ let's go back a few years shall we.

Back in the late seventies early eighties, there was a band that I just loved calling themselves The Rossington-Collins Band. I won't go into their history but to put it mildly they ROCKED!” What I loved about this particular band was they put a female singer in the lineup. I don't need to tell anyone really but I will anyway. This woman has got some soulful pipes inlaid in her frame. If I am not mistaken, she also is ( I hope anyway!) married to Gary Rossington. Congratulations Mr and Mrs Rossington!

This is a conversation I am conducting right now as I type to the Great Rossingtons. The names for this piece are changed to protect my exclusive rights when I make this into a book, movie and Thea Tree House that Rocks. Gary Rossington will be GROSS and his wife will be D-KROSS

Chief Crazy Captain Christo will be as always The O-Range Blob of Light. The place is called ANYWHERE. The year will be 2010. Here you go and you are welcome to it Skynyrd FANS!

O-Range Blob of Light, shining too bright for anyone to see, “ Hey GROSS, D-KROSS, can you help out a brother?”

GROSS-” Outta here! It's too bright! C'mon Dale let's go somewhere a little more shady. This bright O-Range Blob of Light is killin my eyes.”

D-KROSS “ Hey I'm ready and waitin on you. Gary, this bright O-Range Blob of Light seems to be beckoning us to follow him. Don't misunderstand me but let's hear him out ok.”

O-Range Blob of Light-” Thank you D-KROSS. Now let me be briefly crazy for a minute. I have an upcoming project I have tentatively called BUILDING A THEA-TREE HOUSE. What this involves is gathering together the best and greatest musicians on the planet for a purpose. The purpose is to build a 7,200 seat outdoor/indoor Thea Tree House that to put it mildly will flippin Rock. Can I count on you Mr. GROSS to at least show up and listen to what I have to say?

GROSS:” You got my attention now so why don't you turn down that orange light and we'll discuss this privately so I can be assured that there aint no more dirty deals comin my way.”

O-Range Blob of Light-” I can't turn down the light because that's who I am. Just close your eyes and listen and open your ears to see. This 7,200 seat project will require teamwork that I would like to see come together around July 9^th 2010. I will be sliding on down to Nebraska around Omaha but the exact place will be determined at a later date. I kind of threw a dart and Omaha showed its colors if you know what I mean. I hope to show up and do a few skateboard maneuvers on a radical ramp with my Dimebag Razorback Explosion Guitar and would appreciate it if you could show me a few sliding tricks.

D-KROSS-” Yeah right the next phone call to your wife would be uh excuse me Mamm but your husband just broke his neck when he fell off the slide”

At this everyone, including The O-Range Blob of Light erupted in thunderous laughter and outside all around was extreme lightning strikes. This has been another abbreviated version of The Great Pumpkin Letters. Stay tuned for 2010 when Chief Crazy Captain Christo explains why he gave the nickname of The Awesome to Gary Rossington.

P.S. ( that's Pumpkin Script) Long Live The AWESOME REBEL G

James Earl Jones-Introduction of M-USAFA

James Earl Jones: The Introduction of M-USAFA: An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo was reflecting on his life that started sometime between September 1877 and October 1892. ( Author's note: The exact dates are kind of hazy so if you see Chief Crazy Captain Christo don't argue with him. He knows a lot of different spells!) But on this one particular day in the summer of 2009, the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo was reflecting not on his own life but that of one special actor named James Earl Jones. You see, Chief Crazy Captain Christo is a huge fan of Field of Dreams. That movie with Kevin Costner and James Earl Jones about building a stadium. But Chief Crazy Captain Christo also loved the Disney animated movie The Lion King where James Earl Jones voiced the ill fated father figure Musafa. The Good Chief saw that film about 158 times. You see the Good Chief's son, who was introduced in the piece about Sarah Palin, in a cleverly disguised word called Palindrome. His son's name is drome. Or Doctor Owe Me depending on how you can relate to Father and Son.

So back to James Earl Jones. On this particular fine sunny day, Chief Crazy Captain Christo decided to put two and two together to go forth with his plan. He disguised himself as The O-Range Blob of Light and went off seeking the Great James Earl Jones! We interrupt the conversation in progress....James Earl Jones can be read as JARL J ONE

O-Range Blob of Light-” Me and Mrs Jones were just discussing you Earl. And she told me you don't play the lead role in My Name is Earl. “

J.ARL J.ONE-” SILENCE! Who are you and what do you want with my wife?”

O-Range Blob of Light-” Mufasa, you're Home! Great, Please allow me to introduce myself. I am

Chief Crazy Captain Christo and I have a production number for you if you choose to help out. I need you to be the narrator of a short film I am going to produce called “ M-USAFA”

J.ARL J.ONE-” SILENCE! My title character in the hit Disney animated film was named M-U-F-A-S-A. Mufasa”

O-Range Blob of Light-” Easy Big Dawg! I know very well your character's name as I watched it exactly one hundred and fifty eight times with my son drome.”

J.ARL J.ONE “ SILENCE, Look at the STARS....”

O-Range Blob of Light- “ Yeah I know Billions of Balls of Gas Blah Blah Blah. Now if you will just SILENCE I can explain the character of M-USAFA. OK Earl?”

J.ARL.J.ONE-” If you build it, they will come!”

O-Range Blob of Light-” Yeah, so you know what I am up to then huh Earl? I am going to try to gather together some influential people together on July 9^th 2010 down in Omaha Nebraska. There I will be unveiling a plan to build a Thea-Tree-House. You know where cats known as musicians and friends can get together and jam. It will be for one little girl who has yet to be named, you know player to be named at a later date. But for the introduction of M-USAFA

J.ARL.J.ONE-” SILENCE!You know what don't tell me. I'll guess that you are building this Thea Tree House for one special girl because you want to introduce the world to your grandfather and father through the well thought out and intensely private affair of your family. You are using the imagery of Mufasa and turning it into M-USAFA to honor your grandfather BEAN and your father ohh what's his name. Oh holy hair ball what's his name?

O-Range Blob of Light- “ It begins with a B”

J.ARL.J.ONE-” SILENCE! I know what it begins with. His name is ROCK and you want to incorporate Mexican jumping BEANS on a ROCK .

O-Range Blob of Light-” You're getting colder , Mufasa you are dying here! I'll have to write a different Pumpkin letter dealing directly with M-USAFA. Thanks EARL! You've been a great help. I can see I need some character building strategies. Hey Earl one last thing, Do you have any Chalk to write with? You know so I can write and rewrite.

But there was no movement this time from James Earl Jones. It was then that Chief Crazy Captain Christo realized he had fallen asleep at the new Lion King wax museum in Arkabutla, Mississippi and missed the bus back home. Oh well, there's a nice young man waiting at the bus stop. Maybe he can help with the story line. Chief Crazy Captain Christo went up and introduced himself.

“ Life is like a box of chocholates......” His name for an upcoming edition of The Great Pumpkin Letters is none other than FO.GU.GU.( Forest Gumpty Gump) Stay tuned!

P.S. (that's Pumpkin Script) If you would like to donate to a worthy cause, Chief Crazy Captain Christo recommends you click on the title up above, just click on James Earl Jones-Introduction of M-USAFA. Thank you and may God bless and keep you always!

Respectfully in TRUTH,

Chief Crazy Captain Christo

Author Christo Strom
www.unitetwosites.com

Bill Gates: Fore Word March to Mardi Gras

Bill Gates: Fore Word March to Mardi Gras- An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

In this installment of The Great Pumpkin Letters, Chief Crazy Captain Christo is hedging

his futures on one certain Bill Gates. For those of you who have been under a rock, (Plymouth),

Bill Gates is extremely extraordinary. Not because he is a Billionaire or that his fledgling company

Microsoft is pretty much everywhere. No the reason he is extremely extraordinary is because he still acts like a kid at heart. That is pretty amazing wouldn't you say? So with that said, let's join up with a conversation you probably didn't even know existed. Here it is! The conversation piece between Chief Crazy Captain Christo and Bill Gates. ( Authors note: Chief Crazy Captain Christo for reasons only known to him refers to Bill Gates as Big A.

C.C.C.Christo-” Hey Big A. How's backward Slash treatin ya?”

Big A- “ You mean Slash the guitar God?”

C.C.C.Christo-” Yeah I mean Saul Ash! How about paying attention Big A. I've got a job for you and I would like to see an idea of mine come to PASS. Please do me a Big Favor and bring some of your rock and roll buddies to a summit in July 2010. Please invite Slash the guitar God ( smirk guffaw)

and let Slash invite 1000 of his rock and roll buddies who are serious about contributing to the WORTHIEST cause on the planet. Since this is a one time event, with a two year WINDOW of opportunity to get involved, please only invite committed people who love Halloween and The Great Pumpkin.

Big A-” You mean like KISS, SLIPKNOT, Alice Cooper, Rob Zombie, Ozzy Osbourne, Black Label Society, Slayer, .......” Big A continued for another twenty minutes reeling off bands names until finally Chief Crazy Captain Christo could contain his laughter no longer. With a huge pumpkin clown grin, the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo replied,

C.C.C.Christo- “ You got it Big A. And hey Big A. Here is the kicker. Please invite some people who know how to shape wood! I have a construction project with a rock and roll theme and I would like part of the construction project to use Ash wood. White or Black Ash it doesn't matter. I have the designs all ready to be viewed and then bid on in a public setting. So if you could be so kind as to bring fore word your brilliant mind, we could get this party started. I will fill you in on July 9^th, 2010.

See you there Big A.”

And with that being said , Chief Crazy Captain Christo varnished from the scene and left Big A muttering something like, “ Hey I wonder if Warren Buffett would be interested in getting together on July 9^th 2010. It sure would beat our bridge outings. We could organize at the Qwest in Omaha and then .....wait oh how do I get a hold of that crazy guy and tell him that would be flippin awesome!”

Chief Crazy Captain Christo wondered if he had gotten through to Big A. After all, he forgot to mention that all this construction to rock the house will need some teamwork and Chief Crazy Captain Christo remembered that Big A retired! Oh well, he thought, maybe Slash will show up any way. The show must go on. The Great Pumpkin will rise!

What Big A didn't realize was that C.C.C.Christo was just getting started with the plans. The monumental task of arranging the right people is staggering. Seven minutes had expired on the clock when all of a sudden Big A turned to see C.C.C.Christo standing before him with a Crazy Cat-like expression and a funny gleam in his eyes. Like fire from the Sun, the words hit Big A like a ton of bricks.

C.C.C.Christo-” Windows Seven is like what your kazillionth version of your Operating System?”

Big A-” Uhh, I stepped down remember. I no longer run the show at Microsoft”

C.C.C.Christo-” Great! Then you should have no problem helping me out here. Big A, here is what you could do to help out big time. Please get a hold of Warren Buffett and friends for a get together in Omaha. We could discuss plans to put together a Trillion dollar empire for kids. Instead of calling you Big A I think I will call you Billy Kids.

Big A:-”Whatever hahaha”

The two business entrepreneurs became lifelong friends although it is only a rumour.

The biggest rumour that is emerging is the association of Bing and Cherry for a fantastic

restaurant desert menu for Hell's Kitchen. But that's another mile down the road.

Stay tuned! This has been another installment of The Great Pumpkin Letters. The author insists

that if you know any person or band mentioned in this installment, to forward this to them. Full disclosure is required for the function of construction. Great Pumpkin rules!

Christo Strom author

www.unitetwosites.com

Glorie Anna Ballasteros

February 14th 2010

Happy Valentines Day Glorie Anna Ballasteros

In this shortened Valentines Day Pumpkin Letter
Chief Crazy Captain Christo expresses his love
for Glorie Anna Ballasteros

Glorie Anna Ballasteros is Chief Crazy Captain Christo's
long long long time lover. And will always be forevermore

Enjoy! The title of his poem is

HEY CAKER BAKER

When times get tough and you're feeling bad
Do you ever look back on things you had

Remembering times before push and shove
Screaming out loud "Where's the Love?!!"

\I just thought maybe you might look back too
So I have written this one only for you

It doesn't matter wherever you are near or far
Could be the darkest cloud or brightest star

\I hope when you read this a spark will ignite
Inside your heart to protect you from fright

I thing it was said around day ten and two
Hey Caker Baker, I love you!

Copyright © 2009

P.S. ( that's Pumpkin Script!)

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

RESPECTFULLY IN TRUTH

CHIEF CRAZY CAPTAIN CHRISTO

UNITETWOSITES

Richard Branson: 78 Chances Till Ophelia

Richard Branson: 78 Chances till Ophelia-An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo was pond daring the existence of the British fascination with

the word SIR. You see in America, the term SIR has a completely different meaning. It is not

bestowed upon you by a Queen. Nor is it to be taken lightly. SIR, to the Good Chief Crazy Captain

Christo, is a title of respect that is earned by a little thing called DISCIPLINE. The other day, Chief Crazy Captain Christo had the immensely good fortune of having a little fun with someone walking and flying around the planet known as Sir Richard Branson. Here is the exact conversation that was recorded on July 18^th 2009. Richard Branson is shown here as SIRI BRA to protect his ego! He was on a flight over the Atlantic when he looked out of the window and saw an eery O-Range Blob of Light.

SIRI BRA: “ Stewardess, is it just me or is there an O-Range Blob of Light on the wing of our plane. It looks like he is skateboarding on a halp pipe with three feet of vertical playing a Dimebag Electric Razorback Explosion guitar with a brass slide. Tell him to come in at once. He's scaring the HE double toothpicks outta me and he's not supposed to deflate my ego!”

O-Range Blob of Light:” SIRI BRA, is that you? Wow it is you. Hey you look a lot older in prison er I mean person.”

SIRI BRA,to the pilot of the plane, “ Captain! Please divert our plane back to England. We seem to have an unwanted guest on our flight who needs to get off immediately.” Turning to the O-Range Blob of Light, SIRI BRA continued:” Look! I don't know who you are or where you came from but you are going to be led away in handcuffs when we reach Scotland Yard! Who the HELL are you?”

Chief Crazy Captain Christo felt sorry for Billionaire Branson. For the first time in his life, Chief Crazy Captain Christo felt sorry for a rich person. So the Good Chief did what any American would do! He slapped Richard to attention.

O-Range Blob of Light-” Attention! SIRI BRA, my name is Chief Crazy Captain Christo and I have come to ROCK the world. When we get to Scotland Yard you tell them to stand down and I will let you live. Anything else will be career suicide for you SIRI BRA.”

Laughing hysterically SIRI BRA exclaimed, “ You are absoulutely mad! Did you drink some mushroom tea with the Queen?”

O-Range Blob of Light-” SIRI BRA, you are insulting my intelligence! Now I must do what I told myself I would never do. OK here it is SIRI BRA. You only have 78 Chances till Ophelia. You have 78 chances till you are erased from The Book of Pumpkins.”

SIRI BRA-” 78 chances or I'll be erased from what? A bloody book that has never been written! Let me tell you something Chief. You are on my plane and when we get to Scotland Yard, you will be arrested and charged with interfering with air travel and I will make sure the charges stick and you spend the rest of your bloody days in confinement.”

O-Range Blob of Light- “ Before you go I have two requests. One is don't open this O-Range letter till January 2010. The other request is could you have the visiting warden at Scotland Yard be Angus. Remember SIRI, 78 Chances.”

When the plane arrived at Scotland Yard, big beefy security types met SIRI BRA and hauled Chief Crazy Captain Christo away in what could only be described as Prison Heaven. The loud speakers bellowed out strains of AC/DCs For Those About To Rock” SIRI BRA stared at the speeding chauffeur driven limousine and wondered to himself, “ What did that chief mean about 78 chances. He must be crazy if he thinks I am going to heed anything he says. I am Sir Richard Branson and I bow to no Americans!

On a wing and a prayer floated the immortal words of Chief Crazy Captain Christo, “ Think again Dick!” SIRI BRA was inflamed! Stay tuned America! In July 2010 you will find out what was written on the O-Range letter handed to SIRI BRA.

Warren Buffett's Third Day Delivery

Warren Buffett: Third Day Delivery: An Excerpt from the Great Pumpkin Letters

In this excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters, Chief Crazy Captain Christo decides to

do something no other human being has done and explain Stock Trading Revelations ON

Money to Mr. Warren Buffett. The Oracle from Omaha was stunned to realize that someone

of Chief Crazy Captain Christo's caliper even knew about the stock market. Mr. Buffett was

even more stunned when Chief Crazy Captain Christo showed up in Omaha with just a skateboard,

a Dime store guitar with out a microphone. We enter the conversation already in progress...

C.C.C.Christo: “Hey Mr. B to the U how are you doing today?” to which a completely frazzled

and perplexed answer floated away from Warren Buffett

W. BU: “ Who are you and what do you want from me”

C.C.C.Christo: “I am the FEARLESS ONE.”

W.BU:” Yeah right! Good one and I am the Oracle of Omaha, and a Billionaire Business Owner. Have you heard of Geico, Coca-Cola, Berkshire Hathaway, Borsheims......”

C.C.C.Christo: “ Yes sir I have heard of them and by the way, awesome job of weathering the RE-pression.”

W.BU: “Excuse me but it's called a recession”

C.C.C.Christo-” Pardon my Four Pause but I was talking about something else. Let me cut straight to the chase then Mr. BU. Listen up and listen good. I will only state this one time. You are to organize all your Billionaire Buddies for a SUMMIT. I will be coming back down to Omaha in July of 2010

with a STORY about Genesis. Your first words in person to me mentioned GEICO. I just want to remind you Good Sir that my insurance plans include GE from Genesis. I would like to go over with you plans to build something special. You also would probably like to honor your mentor Ben jammin Graham. I can relate to Ben Jammin so my request of you Good Oracle of Omaha is to gather together 12,000 of your “Good Friends You Can TRUST”. Prepare a stage for me at the QWEST in Omaha and I will continue this conversation. I will guarantee a Command Performance and lastly SWEARING will not be tolerated. If I have to I will hire my own Bounty Hunter who is a really good Chapman

to ensure my demands are met.”

W.BU: “ So let me get this straight. You're asking me to get 12,000 of my “ Billionaire Buddies” as you just stated together for a what? A summit? What exactly would the point be if I may be so bold as to ask a question of the FEARLESS ONE.”

C.C.C.Christo: “ There is to be a stadium or arena to be built. Nothing huge or pretentious. Just a 7,200 handicapped accessible Theatre-e if you will. There are exacting building standards that need to be followed and I would be more than honored if you would exercise good common sense and hear me out on a certain day let's say July 9^th 2010. So if you wouldn't mind organizing your people ,I will show up rain or shine. Form I performance I will need a ½ pipe skateboard ramp with three feet of vertical wood at the top of the ramp. One amplifier , one Dimebag Electric Razorback Explosion guitar, a simple microphone, and one brass slide.

W.BU-” Woah, Woah, Woah....Who's going to insure this fiasco?

C.C.C.Christo: “ You are Warren. And my performance fee to insure I show up is $75,000. This will insure that if my son drops out of college like say Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, I will at least have something to help support him for a while since you and I know how the Government will treat him. Now if these terms are acceptable, I will go tell the Great Pumpkin and all will be forgiven.”

W.BU-” You're insane!!!”

C.C.C.Christo-” There is a fine line between Santa T and the insane. Remember Warren, 12,000 people who would be willing to invest a few hours on July 9^th 2010. Invest Wisely. Do you like Johnny Cash?

Warren Buffett wondered to himself, “ It couldn't be, no that would be crazy, who is that guy?”

This has been another installment of the Great Pumpkin letters. Stay tuned!

Christo Strom is the website owner of www.unitetwosites.com
He is currently working on a new site that will be a membership site for a new Art , Music and Movie Studio being built in July 2010

Rob Zombie Part 2: What? Jesus Frankenstein!!

February Tenth Two Thousand and Ten

Rob Zombie Part 2: What? Jesus Frankenstein- An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Hey Mr. Rob Zombie,

It is I, Chief Crazy Captain Christo! The Great Pumpkin has informed me that he wrote a letter to you and that I should write you as well. So here it is. I have not yet decided if it will be a seven part letter so forgive me for starting with Part 2. Ready or not, let's rock! As you can see from the title of this letter I have chosen what I perceive to be the third and the first songs from your soon to be released Hellbilly Deluxe II set of songs. But before I go any further I would like to say Thank you again from the bottom of my Orange heart for your recent show in St. Paul at the Roy Wilkins. Absolutely loved the animation of El Super Beasto. Anyways, back to the letter. On yeah the band was pretty good too!
I am wondering if you would be interested on your time off to meet me down in Omaha, Nebraska.
Wait scratch that. How about you meet me at FORT ROBINSON in Nebraska at a time you deem reasonable. I would like to go over plans for a Rock and Roll Theme Park that my son and I came up with. It is really a hot theme and I believe you will love it. It will consist of eighteen Heavy Metal themed Kick Ass rides that will scare the be Jesus out of anyone including yourself Mr. Zombie. Without going into further details, as there are way more than eighteen rides, I will leave that up to your imagination. You see I made a promise to a five year old boy eight years ago and I am going to see this through so when he turns EIGHTEEN he will see that his old man keeps his promises.
I am making this next part easy for anyone who has been following The Great Pumpkin Letters, perhaps you have Rob or perhaps not. I don't know ( thanks Ozzy!) So without further complications I bring you the first conversation never recorded between Rob Zombie and Chief Crazy Captain Christo.
To help set this scene up, the place is in a recording studio in Nebraska on the road towards well let's see if you can figure it out. Chief Crazy Captain Christo's name for this piece is Freek Kick and Rob Zombie's name is AZ-MA. So here it is Enjoy:
AZ-MA- “ Hey Chief Crazy Captain Christo. It's your dime. I showed up. What have you got for me?”
Freek Kick-” Thanks for showing up Rob. Believe it or not, I am going to make you the richest Zombie the world has ever known.”
AZ-MA-” How's that Chief?”
Freek Kick-” Well, if you can just SLOW DOWN”
AZ-MA” Never gonna stop ...”
Freek Kick-” Suit yourself Rob but the educated horse I am talkin bout is CRAZY....”
Tires screeching to a halt as Rob puts the brakes on full throttle down!. Lucky for both Rob and Chief Crazy Captain Christo, crash proof window panes were installed in the mobile recording studio the Good Chief had designed. Both their faces smashed into the glass and blood oozed slowly out of their flattened noses. Rob spoke first.
AZ-MA-” Let me guess, you are going to say CRAZY HORSE. That's why you brought me here and that's what you have been trying to say all along. Why didn't you just say so!”
Freek Kick-” Well not quite exactly. I do love the story about Crazy Horse, but I am going to explain the reasoning behind the meetings in Omaha and Fort Robinson Nebraska. I am going to start with why Fort Robinson first. Let's just say ROBINSON. Like Rob and Son meaning my son this time.
You have from your website a little person with face paint and quoting from your website, “ It's never to early to start...” or something like that.
AZ-MA-” OK so what's your point?”
Freek Kick-” Here's my point. I forgot the song” Ronnie Van Zant appeared for the first time in a Pumpkin Letter!
AZ-MA-” My nose stopped bleedin. Hey what do you know about that! My nose aint bleedin!
Freek Kick-” What day is it?”
AZ-MA-” It's January 12th 2010”
Freek Kick-” Oh Good Grief, Happy Birthday Rob!”

And with that Chief Crazy Captain Christo handed Rob Zombie the Keys to Heaven and Hell with the immortal words Do not Open till Showtime! This has been another abbreviated version of The Great Pumpkin Letters. Stay tuned for more to come in 2010!

P.S. ( that's Pumpkin Script) Part Three thru Seven will be released later this year and next year
so stay tuned. And one last thing exclusively for Rob Zombie. This series of Great Pumpkin Letters will eventually be made into a series of SEVEN FILMS if you are interested. Let me know OK ROB,

Than ks,
Christo Strom
www.unitetwosites.com
aka Chief Crazy Captain Christo ( the one and I hope the only!)

Rob Zombie Meet Chief Crazy Captain Christo

Rob Zombie: An Excerpt from “The Great Pumpkin Letters”

Hey Mr. Rob Zombie!

It's the Great Pumpkin writing to the Greatest Director of All Time.

Yeah, lurking inside that warped mind of Rock and Roll Bad Asses

You are going to go on an incredible journey Rob! You see I just

got a letter from a Character in a Movie you are going to Direct in

The Near Future. How near you ask? Listen up Rob. Now this is

important. The Character in The Movie you are going to Direct

Mr. Z is none other than Chief Crazy Captain Christo. He has been

putting the finishing touches on a screen play that you will adapt into

a Hollywood Blockbuster, loosely based on the Greatest Character

Ever created by Charles Schultz. Hey Rob It's Me The Great Pumpkin.

Chief Crazy Captain Christo told me and I quote, “ Rob Zombie's

the only director I would trust in a Sea of Same Ol Lame Ol. Rob has

not only got the talent of a Great Artist but a Director's Eye that is

sure to impress .

Chief Crazy Captain Christo is

going down to Nebraska in July of 2010 to Challenge Old Man Buffett

to a game of Who's the Richest Man now? He wants you to be there Rob.

Chief Crazy Captain Christo says “... The comfort zone for the Rich will

evaporate in front of everyone's eyes. That is after the Great Pumpkin rises

out of the Pumpkin Patch ... you know the story. Chief Crazy Captain Christo

wants to show you Mr. Zombie the keys to Erasing the National Debt. Before

any of the old crony club beats you Rob. C'mon, Chief Crazy Captain Christo

wants you to bring Ozzy Osbourne and Zakk Wylde with you so you will all

be witnesses to the new order of doing things.

But be forewarned Rob. If you don't show up or get in touch with Chief Crazy

Captain Christo, you're going to lose out to another Director named Grant Heslov,

in the immortal words of Little Nicky, “ he's no George Clooney... but he hangs out

with him” Chief Crazy Captain Christo also met Fred Savage from The Wonder Years.

Now who do you think would do a better job. A Zombie or a Savage. I thought so Rob.

Just show up in Omaha in July of 2010. The screenplay will be completely finished by then.

Oh and one last thing Rob. Chief Crazy Captain Christo has informed me ,The Great

Pumpkin, that once you see the screenplay, you will flip out completely. It is your

Dream Movie that Chief Crazy Captain Christo says, Not only will I give the movie

rights to Mr. Zombie, but I will also organize a fundraiser the likes the World has never

seen. It involves the present day President of the United States and his team of Professional

All- Stars ( including Michael Jordan) vs the Team of Zombies ( thirteen of the finest Rock

and Roll game changers in a game played with Special Rules only Chief Crazy Captain Christo knows.

The names for these two teams are also confidential to be released only to you Rob.

This is what is called in the business, Trust is Earned and Rob you have Earned it.

Chief Crazy Captain Christo also wants to say Thank you for your Inspiring Theme Songs to life!

So there you have it in a nutshell Rob Zombie. July 2010 Stay tuned. This is

The Great Pumpkin and This has been The First in a Series of “ The Great Pumpkin

Letters” coming soon to be played out for real! Oh and ah Rob, Chief Crazy Captain Christo

in no uncertain terms scolded me for calling you Mr. Z. He said, “ Great Pumpkin, even you

shall call him Dr. Z . for every great director is a doctor at heart bringing films to life!”

P.S. Hey Rob one last thing. I realize the WHO rocked balls at the half time show in Miami,
but I think you and Zakk and all your buddies should ROCK BALLS in Dallas next year for Dimebag and Stevie Ray Vaugn. What say you ROB ZOMBIE?! Now that would truly be a
Super Sunday!!

Christo Strom is the website owner of www.unitetwosites.com
He is currently working on a new site that will be a membership site for a new Art , Music and Movie Studio being built in July 2010

Dimebag's Black Tooth Grin

February 5th 2010

Happy Birthday to Fred
This next pumpkin letter was written I think subconsciously for this day.
It is a vision I had (DREAM VISION!!:)Last year so Fred Happy birthday Enjoy!

Dimebag's Black Tooth Grin- An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo is a character in a “Screen” play being written in Minnesota.

In honor of Darrell Abbott, a short narrative from Chief Crazy Captain Christo has begun.

We interrupt the conversation already in progress...

....C.C.C.Christo-” By order of The Great Pumpkin, all adults over the age of 21, are required by Halloween Night to prepare a Black Tooth Grin pumpkin ( no alcohol please and thank you!) to be seen by all the children on Trick or Treat Night. A lot of pumpkins are relying on you so don't disappoint The Great Pumpkin. The Great One has not been himself as of late so Cheer Him UP!”

A quiet hush spread quickly throughout the land, including Texas, where it is rumored even George W. Bush ( in a league of his own) was witnessed by plenty to be carving an exquisite Black Tooth Grinned pumpkin in honor of The DIME. Through the magic of eavesdropping, we heard ol Number 43 say, “ ....well I guess I can honor an ol Texas native whose heart was as big as Texas. Black Tooth Grin eh? Yeah, well he showed a lot of PRIDE in his DAMAGEPLAN. The least I can do is to follow The Great Pumpkin's orders.”

Later that same day the wind blew a piece of orange construction paper and all it had on it was a date in all BLACK letters. President GWB #43 looked at the paper and smiled. He was invited to meet with Chief Crazy Captain Christo. Because there in all black letters were the words:

“Chief Crazy Captain Christo cordially invites you to throw up the First jump ball in The Game Heard Round the World. Dates to be announced in the year 2010. BE like Helen BEE READY! And bring your BLACK TOOTH GRIN for the DIME”

Chief Crazy Captain Christo then remembered the time. Fourty Four expletives were seen exiting his mouth as if he were late for a very important date. C.C.C.Christo had better prepare for the years to come because a lot of work is still needed to be done. Tangled up in a Blu-ish haze of despair, the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo raised his hands and declared.

“ I have not yet begun to Fright “ Left out are more expletives. Halloween is a special night indeed so with a Black Tooth Grin and a little elbow grease and a new workout regiment only known to The Good C.C.C.Christo, a plan is emerging.

Chief Crazy Captain Christo then fell asleep for the span of seven minutes. He woke up shaking like a leaf and wrote down everything he could remember about The Black Tooth Grin visitation.

He still doesn't know why he was visited by such a CALM and TRUSTING SOUL.

Word for word C.C.C.Christo wrote down from the visit:

“This is where the music remains focused and loud. If you want to soar with eagles or jam with angels or whatever it is you want to do, dream big. I'm not going to promise anyone anything anymore.

All bets are off! The time has come to take the Bull by the Horns and build the GREATEST PLACE on EARTH. We see what you are doing and we love it! We all agree who you are building the stadium for and the reason behind it is magnificent. Just remember, when the time comes for you to take the stage, Full Speed Ahead OK Chief Crazy Captain Christo. We are all on your side for this ONE!. And

lastly, I got one question for ya. Ok Chief here it is: there's this being up here that no one can make heads or tails of who looks for all intensive purposes to be carrying the letter Y. He will not let anyone near to ask Y. At least I think he's a he! All that anyone can make out is a GRRRRR! And a close but no SEE GAR. Perhaps you might know who this is because he's scaring the hell out of everyone. Whoap Gotta Go now. We're pulling for you remember Full Speed Ahead.” The last thing Chief Crazy Captain Christo heard was “ Hey Black Tooth Grinner, I loved Hockey!”

When he finally woke up shaken but not stirred, Chief Crazy Captain Christo saw completely what must be done. With no time to lose, he headed for the stage door. A crowd was waiting and the crowd was full of Rich people. None of whom would ever be the same. The performance you have all been waiting for......Stay tuned! This has been another installment of The Great Pumpkin Letters.

Christo Strom is the website owner of www.unitetwosites.com
He is currently working on a new site that will be a membership site for a new Art , Music and Movie Studio being built in July 2010

Bert Blyleven 2010: An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

February Fourth 2010

This next selection from The Great Pumkin Letters Collection is intended to be humorous

with a serious ending. Please be prepared for some crazy humor!!!

Bert Blyleven 2010: Circle Me Sure Bert: An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo was recently seen discussing plans with a former Major League pitcher who was born in the Netherlands. Since this pitcher could never grow up to be President of the United States, he became focused on the next best thing in his mind. You see Bert Blyleven was destined for greatness as a bad ass pitcher in the Major League Baseball juggernaut known as the MLB. But lately Mr. Blyleven has been passed over by voters for The HALL of FAME! So, in his own inimitable style, Chief Crazy Captain Christo called a ROUND TABLE discussion group together and it was unanimous. After the discussion, Chief Crazy Captain Christo was voted to go and tell Bert Blyleven the Good and the Bad News along with the ugly TRUTH.

For this conversation that will take place in the new Twins stadium sometime between the years of 2011 and 2013 ( filmed by Rob Zombie!) Chief Crazy Captain Christo is disguised as the O-R ange Catcher in the Buff or CA-BU and Bert Blyleven is the Pitcher on the Mound or CHER-MOUND

To set up the scene for Rob Zombie, Bert Blyleven is throwing out the first pitch at the first World Series game ever played at the Twins stadium. As the crowd looks on in horror, Bert Blyleven winds up like he was playing for real and throws a worm burner to Chief Crazy Captain Christo. Only Chief Crazy Captain Christo wasn't paying attention. You see the new score board just happened to be playing the provocative dance from Penelope Cruz from the movie NINE. So naturally Chief Crazy Captain Christo's thoughts were on CLOUD NINE. The ball that Bert Blyleven threw hit Chief Crazy Captain Christo in the privates and after nine minutes of extreme discomfort, we pick up the conversation Enjoy!

CHER-MOUND-” I thought you said you could catch anything. What ( Rob Zombies song Thumpin in the Background) I say What was wrong with that pitch.”

CA-BU-” Hey I was distracted by a Pair a Cruz's ...”

CHER-MOUND-” You're a disgrace to the sport of baseball. Look at you, you're naked, save the mask and the catcher's mitt and the chest protector and the spikes. On top of that, you just got beaned by my curveball in front of the first World Series crowd ever to see a World Series game at the new Twins stadium and a huge audience watching on FOX SPORTS Network. You are going to make the Blooper Reels tonight buddy. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF!!!!”

Chief Crazy Captain Christo stands up, dusts himself off and asks Rob Zombie for the microphone.

Mr. Zombie, barely able to pick himself up because he was laughing so hard he fell back in his electric directors chair, hands the microphone ( mega-phone you can choose whichever) over to Chief Crazy Captain Christo who is standing and bleeding on home plate.

CA-BU-” Circle me Sure Bert. Circle me right now. Go ahead and laugh all you want. Laughter is good for the soul and good for your heart. You got a heart don't ya Mr. Blyleven? As I stand here today bleedin on home plate because I got beaned in the nuts by your worm burner, let me tell you something. Here you are angry or whatever that you didn't get voted in to the Hall of Fame. Well BOO

HOO HOO Bert. Meanwhile, the real people who would love to come work for you and your new awesome business are unemployed right now because YOU Bert Blyleven are too YELLOW to take your eyes off the Hall of Fame and go to work for something GREATER THAN YOURSELF. No Bert if you do nothing after the Greatest speech a Bleeding man ever gave than you don't deserve to go to the Hall. Take my advice on this one Bert. You know your slogan Circle Me Bert? To get into Heaven, which is really quite rewarding really, you must be GREAT like the pumpkin. You must give of yourself to others because others will give to you. They will work their asses off to make sure this works. I have SEVEN GOOD DEEDS reserved for you and your team if you take me up on this offer.

But you must take action Bert. And then you will truly deserve to be in the Hall of Fame of Heaven. Canton Ohio can take a back seat Bert. I am Chief Crazy Captain Christo and I must go now because I have spoken my lines and my nuts are killing me. Ice please.”

As Chief Crazy Captain Christo was walking out of the infield a chant of Circle Me SURE BET erupted into a refreshing dessert. Bert Blyleven got his Seventy five Flavors but remembered that he could not unveil his flavors until Chief Crazy Captain Christo gives him the Green Light. So for all you Twins fans out there, get behind you team. After all, the Great Pumpkin is a Twins fan! And this is a Twins Terror Story. This has been another edition of the Great Pumpkin Letters. Stay tuned for more in 2010!

Christo Strom is the website owner of www.unitetwosites.com
He is currently working on a new site that will be a membership site for a new Art , Music and Movie Studio being built in July 2010

Shakira 2010 : An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

February 3, 2010

Happy Belated Birthday to Shakira. Missed it by that much ( yesterday:)

Shakira: S.I. Shakira's Agree Pigpen's A Pear- An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo was on the second leg of his journey around the world when his S- Crew was getting tired. They were all complaining that they had been at sea for three days and needed to pick up some honey from the Southern Bear Islands. So without going into a long drawn out worn out and boring story of Mutiny, the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo slowly brought his wooden Dinghy Anada Know into the nearest port. The Southern Port of Yallaposies or better known as the SPY Channel. He rocked his vessel into port safely and tied it off to the A.P. Pier. And for those who are new to The Great Pumpkin Letters, the A.P. Pier is the first Pier to the left of the Stern Bow.

So with his Dinghy Anada Know safely docked, the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo bellowed a fierce warning to his S- Crew.

C.C.C.Christo: “ If I see anyone leave the Anada Know, it will be the last time you will ever see the CCCC.......”

But the words just left him high and dry. The crew knew what he meant. They all stayed on board for fear of the Rat-Hog. The Rat-Hog is a new character to be introduced in Bob Weir's Pumpkin Letter later in 2010. So back to the story at hand. The Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo had not been gone for more than a minute and a half. That is one hundred and thirty seconds for those of you who are counting. Give or take forty seconds! Anyway, the Chief went into a rather seedy bar called She's Loco Lobo. He went straight up to the bar and asked the bartender for some honey for his crew. The bartender pointed in the direction of the stage and a sweet temptress was performing her hit She-Wolf. Of course. It was none other than Shakira. The Chief Crazy Captain Christo went into Hyper Drive ( author's note HD) and quickly disguised himself as the O-Range Boo Boo Boo G Man. Shakira took one look at him and started laughing so hard she had to run off the stage.

Now for the conversation between Shakira and Chief Crazy Captain Christo that took place backstage. Shakira's name has been changed to Si' Si' Omahog. Chief Crazy Captain Christo' name has been changed to P. A. Sugaree ( Pigpen Alfamont Sugaree). Enjoy!

Si' Si' Omahog- “ Chief Crazy Captain Christo that has got to be the funniest get up you have ever put on for me. I was laughing so hard I had to run off the stage or I would have peed in my stilettos.”

P.A. Sugaree:” Nice try Shakira but my S- Crew needs some honey for the extended stay on the Anada Know. Do you know where on the island I can scrounge some honey up?”

Si” Si” Omahog-” Crazy Loco Captain, where you can always find it. At my Grandma's Shack on Shamrock Circle Lane, across the Mountain Slide and through the lighted tunnel. C'mon, I will show you.”

Shakira took Chief Crazy Captain Christo's blistered hand and smiled. In a nano-second they were at Grandma's Shack and you could tell because it had a sign out front that in bright O-Range letters said Shack Here A and there was a big O-Range X after the A. So without stopping to ask for directions because they were already there, Shakira introduced Chief Crazy Captain Christo to his Grandma.

Si' Si' Omahog- “ Gramms, this is Chief Crazy Captain Christo. His S-Crew on board the Anada Know need some honey for their treacherous trip around the world for Eighty Daisies. Would you mind giving him your honey from the honey jar”

Smiling the sweetest smile a Grandma could ever smile, Grandma Shaka Shakira reached for her everflowing jar of Island Honey and without saying a word handed it to Chief Crazy Captain Christo.

P.A. Sugaree: “ Gra See Az! The S- Crew will be delightfully giddy on board the Anada Know.”

Chief Crazy Captain Christo thanked Shakira and reached in his trousers and pulled out an O-Range P. Fearing it was not a large enough P for Shakira he pulled out an O-Range H in the shape of an EAR.

Si' Si' Omahog: “ Chief Crazy Captain Christo, Why are you giving me an O-Range P and and O-Range H in the shape of an EAR.

P.A. Sugaree: I am so glad you asked me that Shakira so I will tell you. When I took the P OUT you were sad that that was all I was giving you. When I took the H AND formed it like an EAR, you smiled but you still looked at me kind of strange. So when you put the P and the H together in the exact order what do you get?”

Si' Si' Omahog: “ A PEAR?”

P.A. Sugaree: “ No not exactly. I'll explain everything on July 9^th 2010 in Omaha Nebraska. Would you be so kind as to appear with me on stage to judge a contest for a little girl in America?”

Si' Si' Omahog: “ You want me to appear in Nebraska? Aye La Bamba Captain Christo! Who else will be appearing?”

But before Shakira could hear what Chief Crazy Captain Christo said, he had vanished to his vessel The Anada Know. Stay tuned South America! Chief Crazy Captain Christo is on a Sugaree High so get ready for some Trick or Treating down south! This has been another edition of The Great Pumpkin Letters. Much more to come in 2010 and beyond.

Christo Strom is the website owner of www.unitetwosites.com
He is currently working on a new site that will be a membership site for a new Art , Music and Movie Studio being built in July 2010

Duane "DOG" Chapman

Ground Dog Day February 2nd 2010
To honor the DOG on his day, I thought you might like a little humor so enjoy!

Snoopy Part 1 of 7: The Dog Chapman Bowl- An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo was reminiscing the other day and came up with a brilliant plan.

While watching Snoopy carrying his dog bowl in his mouth, the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo

shrieked out loud,

“ Eureka, a golden nugget is passing my way. Watch out for Salty Sea Dog Legs and pay attention Tiger Pawns, er I mean Prawns,”

He got on the Hot Line and called up none other than Dog Chapman, the WORLD famous BOUNTY HUNTER. But the line was busy. Ah, a lawman's work is always busy. So Chief Crazy Captain Christo thought,

“ HMMM, if I can't get a hold of the Dog maybe I will bring the BOWL to the Dog!”

So with the immortal courage of a confident carpet cleaner, the Good Chief set out to find Dog.

Within 45 nanoseconds he found the Dog hot on the chase of another Meth addict and let the Dog have his day. After the arrest was complete, Chief Crazy Captain Christo disguised himself. Instead of the normal O-Range Blob of Light, he disguised himself as a PERFECT O-Range BOWL. To describe the O-Range Bowl would not do it justice but I will try anyway, Here is the description:

Like an almost perfect circle, it is made of all wood. On the top of the bowl is coping where skateboarders do the grinding ( sparks fly people!) There is always a beautiful scent of a fine ash and with smoke billowing over the top from barbecuing down below. On this particular day, the bowl was smokin hot. I now bring you the exact words from Dog Chapman and his wife Beth. Their names have been changed here to McDog and McBeth to protect their privacy.

McDog:” Hey Beth, where did that bowl come from?”

McBeth:” I don't know but I think Johnny B. Garcia is hiding in there. Let's go check it out Dog!”

McDog:” Cover me Beth. I'm goin in. Keep the cameras rolling. I've never seen anything like this.

Wow wee! What a bowl!”

As the two awesome bounty hunters peeked inside the O-Range Bowl, they were mesmerized by what they saw. Down at the bottom of the bowl, where the smoke was originating, a lone figure wearing an O-Range chef's apron and one O-Range sock was turning a rack of lamb on his weber grill.

This is where the introduction of the most famous character of all time comes into play. Pay attention here folks, it is the character you wish you could be but you don't have the b***s or no balls as the case may be. Listen and learn.

McDog was the first to draw his weapon.

McDog: “ Hey Bra! We got you surrounded. Give it up or we will taser you right here in your O-Range Bowl”

McBeth:” Get him Dog!”

But the tasers had no effect whatsoever on this now incensed character played by Chief Crazy Captain Christo. Now for the moment you have all been waiting for, the introduction of ZING.

Zing can always be seen at a barbecue listening to Rob Zombie's What? Thumpin in the background.

Zing is what you could call the Over Delivery Guy or O.D.G for those who like to shorten descriptions.

Even though the tasers had no effect, he didn't want to hurt McDog or McBeth's FEELINGS ( nothing more than FEELINGS) so he did what Zing does best. It hurts to describe this but here goes. Zing did the Electrifried Crappy Flop that went on for exactly three minutes and thirty three seconds. After the performance of a lifetime, Zing casually got up and gave McDog and McBeth a lesson they will never forget. Here is what Zing said.

ZING “ Must you always prove you are the TOP Dog. I was preparing a wonderful world of delightful dishes and you have to come in an taser me on the spot. Dog and Beth, I just wanted to say Thank You for all your hard work and was going to surprise you with a welcome home Dog and Beth party with my famous rack of Lamb that tastes divine but I guess you will have to wait till the Eighth letter I write. Now if you will forgive me I have six more Snoopy letters to write. With that Zing and his O-Range Bowl vanished into thin air. Stay tuned for the next six Snoopy versions of The Great Pumpkin Letters.

Sheri Moon Zombie

Sheri Moon Zombie: Mayhem and The Great One- An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo was going out of his mind one particular day in January 2010. You see, the Good Chief had just found out that the Mayhem tour was going to be starting in California on July 10^th. And his mind was reeling really fast. All the thoughts of pulling off the GREATEST SPEECH ever spoken were quickly being dashed against the ROCKS of TIME! To bring you up to speed, the Mayhem tour is a big ol Metal fest starring Rob Zombie, Korn, Lamb of God, Five Finger Death Punch, In This Moment and a slew of other hard rockin, fist pumpin, take no prisoners types that create for better or worse, MAYHEM. Anyway, since their wheels are in gear for their shows, no need to bother them for assistance. They have their own gigs going and that is fine. Except for one thing. Rob Zombie, can you send your wife? On July 9^th, 2010, the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo, come hell or high water, is going down to Omaha Nebraska and set up for an impressive speech. So for this particular abbreviated Great Pumpkin Letter, the Good Chief is transforming himself to L.A. To meet with none other than Rob Zombie's wife, Sheri Moon Zombie.

For this conversation, Sheri Moon Zombie is filming Rob in an upcoming video. She is taking a short break when Chief Crazy Captain Christo, in a stunning move of unabashed bravado, scoops her up and is talking to her on the fly. He is disguised as the O-Range Blob of Lightning with a dash of Guacamole Sauce. Sheri is going by the name of SHERI-ZO. Chief Crazy Captain Christo is going by the name of ORBLA-GUACAM. Since Chief Crazy Captain Christo is in charge here, the conversation takes place up in the air. Enjoy!!!

SHERI-ZO-” Hey you! Put me down this instant or I will have Rob take care of you in one of his upcoming videos. You will be Zombie stomped into oblivion.”

ORBLA-GUACAM-” Hey relax Sheri, it is I, Chief Crazy Captain Christo. I just wanted to introduce myself to you in a well I'm not exactly sure what I am doing here but oh yeah. I wanted to help your husband Rob with a little fund raising for a SEVEN MOVIE DEAL. It would have been real easy to do on July 9^th 2010 until I learned that your husband had inked a deal to do the Mayhem tour. That is ok since I believe that has got to be a great way to make a living.”

SHERI-ZO:” How can you carry me and fly at the same time? And why should we trust you?”

ORBLA-GUACAM-” Fair enough questions. I'll answer the second one first. The reason you should TRUST me is this. I have learned a great deal by writing down some observations. My first observation is this. America needs to turn the ship around because it is sinking! By writing about what is wrong, without preaching doom and gloom, I believe a few positive words to the right influential people, can be a great place to start. I am trying to get a Theatrical Tree house built for a little American girl. Since Rob is probably in tune to a theatrical kind of show, I thought that once this tree house gets built, the SEVEN MOVIE DEALwould be a piece of cake to set up.

SHERI-ZO: “ Again Chief Crazy Captain Christo! Why should we TRUST you?!!”

ORBLA-GUACAM:” OK Sheri here it is! Ready or not. I have thought up this stadium design that is based on super cooperation between musicians, professional athletes, doctors, internet marketers, restaurant owners and dancers. The design will be unveiled sometime soon when all the pieces fall into place. I could use some of Rob's unique insights to go along with the planning stages. Of course, it will be based on a Halloween stage theme and a Happy Go Lucky harvest agenda. No sad sacks allowed if you know what I mean. It is all about overcoming adversity and shining in a most outrageous display of FUN! No one stage will be present for longer than thirteen weeks so it will always be changing to suit the needs of the performers. Comprende?”

SHERI-ZO:” Ok Chief Crazy Captain Christo I can relate to that. Now answer the first question. How can you carry me and fly at the same time?”

ORBLA-GUACAM:” Great Pumpkin rule #Seven- Listen to RUSH's Fly By Night before attempting any type of Zombie pick up line!”

SHERI-ZO: “ Oh Rob will love that one! Thanks Chief Crazy Captain Christo. I'll try to persuade Rob for you.”

ORBLA-GUACAM:” Thanks Sheri. And tell Rob that Chief Crazy Captain Christo would be forever grateful to plan the Tree House with some of Rob's ideas. Let's get this done!”

SHERI-ZO:” Wow! That was a cool flight! Hey there's Rob now...”

And with that Chief Crazy Captain Christo flew back to resume his sail around the world. Penelope Cruz where are you? This has been another edition of The Great Pumpkin Letters. Stay tuned for more to come in 2010 and beyond!