Thea Andrews 2010: Thea Tree House -An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters
Chief Crazy Captain Christo looked up in the sky and then looked at his calendar. Hmm, by the angle of the moon and with the Sun coming up any second now, he noticed it was March 2010. It
happens in threes he mumbled. To no one in particular. So the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo decided the day was drawing nearer. The DAY! It is just a day so remember it happens in threes.
Or in this case Thea Tres ( left one e out and you get a whole other meaning. If you catch my drift. Kind of like a snow drift without the snow. But this one will be a Show drift with a show. Pay attention my good readers!)
In this abbreviated version of The Great Pumpkin Letters, Chief Crazy Captain Christo is starting his real mission in life. You see he is nearing the end of his run on the planet and he wants to leave behind the LEGACY. What legacy you ask? If you have been following The Great Pumpkin Letters you might have noticed a few common threads running through the story. Believe it or not, these letters have been the part before the actual story is to begin. If I am writing this right, they have been the Foreword to the actual book. So without further ado, this is the last letter in the Foreword before the real story begins.
To set the scene up, Chief Crazy Captain Christo is in the process of transforming into The O-Range Blob of Light. Only this time, he is wearing the coolest Hockey mask ever created. To describe it would be like describing the Mona Lisa to a Garbage Collector. It wouldn't make any sense. So use your imagination and picture what the coolest hockey mask on Earth would be and then multiply by infinity. Ok got the picture in your mind. That is how cool it is! After his transformation was
complete, Chief Crazy Captain Christo remembered what Dimebag Darrell said in his eeery visitation.
“ Hey Black Tooth Grinner, I loved hockey!”. So he flew up to Canada to meet with none other than Thea Andrews.
For this shortened conversation, Thea Andrews is going by the name of ALTHEA ( which stands for America Loves Thea, and just coincidentally happens to be a song in the vast Grateful Dead song book)
Chief Crazy Captain Christo is going by the unusual and fascinating name of TYPE ( author's note: Ty Pennington, of Extreme Makeover hit TV show) Chief Crazy Captain Christo is hovering above Thea Andrews, who is a bit frightened but in a good mood, and is giving the performance of his life. So here it is, the conversation between ALTHEA and TYPE. Enjoy!
ALTHEA: “ Wowww! Honey, come quick. There's the coolest apparition I have ever seen. Hovering above me is this O-Range Blob of Light with the coolest hockey mask I have ever seen. I think he is trying to speak.”
TYPE ( authors's note: Chief Crazy Captain Christo can only act like Ty Pennington but sounds nothing like him! For real!): “ Thea Andrews, you have been selected to be the only person on THE PLANET
worthy enough for this building project. It has been tentatively named um how do I say this right. It has been tentatively named THEA TREE HOUSE. The project is extremely detailed and involves stuff that you see on my hit TV show Extreme Makeover......”
ALTHEA ( laughing hysterically): “ Woah, stop right there, hahahahaha, you aren't Ty Pennington. You don't sound anything like him. Who are you and what are you talking about a Thea Tree House. You know I have lawyers and anything with my name on it has to be pre-approved.”
TYPE:” Very well Thea, you caught me. My name is Chief Crazy Captain Christo and I am on a mission. It involves building a Thea Tree House for a little American girl who will need our help in the future. It is an extremely complicated building process but is extremely easy to explain. What I am asking you THEA ANDREWS is to accept the position of Entertainment Hostess for when we open up the doors to this place sometime in 2015 , earlier if I get extreme cooperation. The actual name of the place is being withheld for obvious reasons. Don't worry, it won't be named Thea Tree House cause I know all about lawyers and such. But I will say this THEA. You will kick yourself for the rest of your life if you don't come check this out. So I am asking on bended knee ( author's note: The O-Range Blob of Light with the coolest Hockey mask lowered himself down and was kneeling on both knees!)
Thea Andrews, will you please help me out and show up between the dates of July 9th 2010 and July 9th 2012. Down in Omaha Nebraska at a place to be determined by following along. Since I doubt you have been reading the Great Pumpkin Letters, I'll catch you up to speed. I only hang out in Minnesota, Nebraska and Colorado. Although my reputation takes me everywhere! Will you please help me out?”
ALTHEA: “ On one condition Chief Crazy Captain Christo”
TYPE: “ What's that Thea?”
ALTHEA: “ I will do my best to show up if you leave me the Hockey Mask”
All of a sudden there were earthquakes and lightning strikes and the sound of Thundering Tornados ripping through Thea Andrews home. This lasted for seven minutes. When it was over, Thea Andrews looked on the ground and there it was
ALTHEA: “ That was impressive Chief Crazy 'Captain Christo.” But he was no where to be found. He did as he was told and left Thea Andrews the coolest Hockey mask on the Planet. Stay tuned everyone. The foreword of The Great Pumpkin Letters is now complete. Next up the STORY you have all been waiting for. At least I bet Rob Zombie has been waiting for. The meeting of Chief Crazy Captain Christo and Alice Cooper! It is going to be a rip roaring spectacle when a professional shock rocker meets the amateur that well you'll just have to wait and see now won't you!
