Snoopy Part 7 of 7: Joe " Cool " Mauer

April 19th 2010
Author Christo Strom
Special Post Alert Special Post Alert Special Post Alert

" Have I died and gone to heaven?
Today Joe "Cool" turns Twenty Seven
So on this day I thought I'd try
A little trick with Pumpkin Pie

So here we go for " Smokeless Joe"
A Twin Cities Favorite Hometown, yeah know
I now give you the Ultimate Pumpkin Letter
Great doesn't even describe this one
Because he keeps getting better and better

Snoopy Part 7 of 7 : Joe "Cool" Mauer
Enter Chief Crazy Captain Christo to start off
The Festivities>

For this , the longest version of the Great Pumpkin Letters,
Chief Crazy Captain Christo is going to throw in a curveball.
He will be shown here as Spike In Nine ( kind of like Frankenstein
but more of a Dogtown feel if you know what I mean!) Spike in
Nine will be shortened down to S.I.N.

Joe " Cool " Mauer, in a spectacular and thrilling change of pace,
will not be shown as Baby Jesus. But will be shown as J.C.

So without further ado or delays of game, I give you the Ultimate
version of The Great Pumpkin Letters in its entirety.
Author's note( this version might take all season long or perhaps
as long as Joe Mauer stays in the Game. Author has no control
over Joe's Career but wishes to offer this advice. STAY HEALTHY!)

S.I.N. " Happy Birthday Joe " Cool " Mauer. You know in dog years
you'd be like buried under the pitchers mound. Your twenty seven years
times seven you'd be like one hundred and eighty nine years"

J.C. -" Gee thanks a lot Chief Crazy Captain Christo. You sure know how
to make a guy feel old. How old are you in dog years, like a thousand?"

S.I.N. " More like two thousand Joe. You see I have been around the
block quite a few times. You could say I'm a Block Head."

J.C.-" So I'm just curious. Why are you writing The Great Pumpkin Letters
and what is with the J.C. and the S.I.N. in this Great Pumpkin Letter. It's
my birthday for heaven's sake"

S.I.N. - " Exactly Joe and I will wish you a happy birthday at the end. Now to
explain a little bit of why you are Snoopy Part 7 of 7. Well there are Seven versions
of who Snoopy is in The Great Pumpkin Letters. You see Joe, I chose you because
you represent the ultimate Snoopy. Number seven obviously that is your number.
You guard Home plate from trespassers ( the visiting team) Home plate reminds me
of Snoopy's doghouse and now that you and the Minnesota Twins are playing outdoors,
it is just a perfect fit. Plus you are a hometown hero. Also the bat you swing is made of
wood and I mean if the woods could talk there'd be the little birdy woodstock. You know
Joe " Cool " Mauer I think .....

J.C. " Sorry for interrupting Chief Crazy Captain Christo, but my family is arriving for the
big celebration. It was nice talking to you. Say how come you didn't say anything about my new salary?

S.I.N. - " Let's just say I have the utmost respect for what you do and who you are. Besides which I just started a new company called Orange Race Card Angels. My only job left on Earth is to see that I gather the right people together to eliminate the National Debt once and for all. Happy Birthday Joe " Cool " Mauer. With all my heart, I wish you many more!

Respectfully in Truth

Chief Crazy Captain Christo

P.S. Every two months I will come back and edit this piece below the P.S ( that's Pumpkin Script) Now who wants Pumpkin Pie for dessert. I do I do! With lots of whipped cream and
a side of Circle Me Sure Bet!!!!

Bert Blyleven 2010: An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

February Fourth 2010

This next selection from The Great Pumkin Letters Collection is intended to be humorous

with a serious ending. Please be prepared for some crazy humor!!!

Bert Blyleven 2010: Circle Me Sure Bert: An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo was recently seen discussing plans with a former Major League pitcher who was born in the Netherlands. Since this pitcher could never grow up to be President of the United States, he became focused on the next best thing in his mind. You see Bert Blyleven was destined for greatness as a bad ass pitcher in the Major League Baseball juggernaut known as the MLB. But lately Mr. Blyleven has been passed over by voters for The HALL of FAME! So, in his own inimitable style, Chief Crazy Captain Christo called a ROUND TABLE discussion group together and it was unanimous. After the discussion, Chief Crazy Captain Christo was voted to go and tell Bert Blyleven the Good and the Bad News along with the ugly TRUTH.

For this conversation that will take place in the new Twins stadium sometime between the years of 2011 and 2013 ( filmed by Rob Zombie!) Chief Crazy Captain Christo is disguised as the O-R ange Catcher in the Buff or CA-BU and Bert Blyleven is the Pitcher on the Mound or CHER-MOUND

To set up the scene for Rob Zombie, Bert Blyleven is throwing out the first pitch at the first World Series game ever played at the Twins stadium. As the crowd looks on in horror, Bert Blyleven winds up like he was playing for real and throws a worm burner to Chief Crazy Captain Christo. Only Chief Crazy Captain Christo wasn't paying attention. You see the new score board just happened to be playing the provocative dance from Penelope Cruz from the movie NINE. So naturally Chief Crazy Captain Christo's thoughts were on CLOUD NINE. The ball that Bert Blyleven threw hit Chief Crazy Captain Christo in the privates and after nine minutes of extreme discomfort, we pick up the conversation Enjoy!

CHER-MOUND-” I thought you said you could catch anything. What ( Rob Zombies song Thumpin in the Background) I say What was wrong with that pitch.”

CA-BU-” Hey I was distracted by a Pair a Cruz's ...”

CHER-MOUND-” You're a disgrace to the sport of baseball. Look at you, you're naked, save the mask and the catcher's mitt and the chest protector and the spikes. On top of that, you just got beaned by my curveball in front of the first World Series crowd ever to see a World Series game at the new Twins stadium and a huge audience watching on FOX SPORTS Network. You are going to make the Blooper Reels tonight buddy. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF!!!!”

Chief Crazy Captain Christo stands up, dusts himself off and asks Rob Zombie for the microphone.

Mr. Zombie, barely able to pick himself up because he was laughing so hard he fell back in his electric directors chair, hands the microphone ( mega-phone you can choose whichever) over to Chief Crazy Captain Christo who is standing and bleeding on home plate.

CA-BU-” Circle me Sure Bert. Circle me right now. Go ahead and laugh all you want. Laughter is good for the soul and good for your heart. You got a heart don't ya Mr. Blyleven? As I stand here today bleedin on home plate because I got beaned in the nuts by your worm burner, let me tell you something. Here you are angry or whatever that you didn't get voted in to the Hall of Fame. Well BOO

HOO HOO Bert. Meanwhile, the real people who would love to come work for you and your new awesome business are unemployed right now because YOU Bert Blyleven are too YELLOW to take your eyes off the Hall of Fame and go to work for something GREATER THAN YOURSELF. No Bert if you do nothing after the Greatest speech a Bleeding man ever gave than you don't deserve to go to the Hall. Take my advice on this one Bert. You know your slogan Circle Me Bert? To get into Heaven, which is really quite rewarding really, you must be GREAT like the pumpkin. You must give of yourself to others because others will give to you. They will work their asses off to make sure this works. I have SEVEN GOOD DEEDS reserved for you and your team if you take me up on this offer.

But you must take action Bert. And then you will truly deserve to be in the Hall of Fame of Heaven. Canton Ohio can take a back seat Bert. I am Chief Crazy Captain Christo and I must go now because I have spoken my lines and my nuts are killing me. Ice please.”

As Chief Crazy Captain Christo was walking out of the infield a chant of Circle Me SURE BET erupted into a refreshing dessert. Bert Blyleven got his Seventy five Flavors but remembered that he could not unveil his flavors until Chief Crazy Captain Christo gives him the Green Light. So for all you Twins fans out there, get behind you team. After all, the Great Pumpkin is a Twins fan! And this is a Twins Terror Story. This has been another edition of the Great Pumpkin Letters. Stay tuned for more in 2010!

Christo Strom is the website owner of www.unitetwosites.com
He is currently working on a new site that will be a membership site for a new Art , Music and Movie Studio being built in July 2010