Snoopy Part 7 of 7: Joe " Cool " Mauer

April 19th 2010
Author Christo Strom
Special Post Alert Special Post Alert Special Post Alert

" Have I died and gone to heaven?
Today Joe "Cool" turns Twenty Seven
So on this day I thought I'd try
A little trick with Pumpkin Pie

So here we go for " Smokeless Joe"
A Twin Cities Favorite Hometown, yeah know
I now give you the Ultimate Pumpkin Letter
Great doesn't even describe this one
Because he keeps getting better and better

Snoopy Part 7 of 7 : Joe "Cool" Mauer
Enter Chief Crazy Captain Christo to start off
The Festivities>

For this , the longest version of the Great Pumpkin Letters,
Chief Crazy Captain Christo is going to throw in a curveball.
He will be shown here as Spike In Nine ( kind of like Frankenstein
but more of a Dogtown feel if you know what I mean!) Spike in
Nine will be shortened down to S.I.N.

Joe " Cool " Mauer, in a spectacular and thrilling change of pace,
will not be shown as Baby Jesus. But will be shown as J.C.

So without further ado or delays of game, I give you the Ultimate
version of The Great Pumpkin Letters in its entirety.
Author's note( this version might take all season long or perhaps
as long as Joe Mauer stays in the Game. Author has no control
over Joe's Career but wishes to offer this advice. STAY HEALTHY!)

S.I.N. " Happy Birthday Joe " Cool " Mauer. You know in dog years
you'd be like buried under the pitchers mound. Your twenty seven years
times seven you'd be like one hundred and eighty nine years"

J.C. -" Gee thanks a lot Chief Crazy Captain Christo. You sure know how
to make a guy feel old. How old are you in dog years, like a thousand?"

S.I.N. " More like two thousand Joe. You see I have been around the
block quite a few times. You could say I'm a Block Head."

J.C.-" So I'm just curious. Why are you writing The Great Pumpkin Letters
and what is with the J.C. and the S.I.N. in this Great Pumpkin Letter. It's
my birthday for heaven's sake"

S.I.N. - " Exactly Joe and I will wish you a happy birthday at the end. Now to
explain a little bit of why you are Snoopy Part 7 of 7. Well there are Seven versions
of who Snoopy is in The Great Pumpkin Letters. You see Joe, I chose you because
you represent the ultimate Snoopy. Number seven obviously that is your number.
You guard Home plate from trespassers ( the visiting team) Home plate reminds me
of Snoopy's doghouse and now that you and the Minnesota Twins are playing outdoors,
it is just a perfect fit. Plus you are a hometown hero. Also the bat you swing is made of
wood and I mean if the woods could talk there'd be the little birdy woodstock. You know
Joe " Cool " Mauer I think .....

J.C. " Sorry for interrupting Chief Crazy Captain Christo, but my family is arriving for the
big celebration. It was nice talking to you. Say how come you didn't say anything about my new salary?

S.I.N. - " Let's just say I have the utmost respect for what you do and who you are. Besides which I just started a new company called Orange Race Card Angels. My only job left on Earth is to see that I gather the right people together to eliminate the National Debt once and for all. Happy Birthday Joe " Cool " Mauer. With all my heart, I wish you many more!

Respectfully in Truth

Chief Crazy Captain Christo

P.S. Every two months I will come back and edit this piece below the P.S ( that's Pumpkin Script) Now who wants Pumpkin Pie for dessert. I do I do! With lots of whipped cream and
a side of Circle Me Sure Bet!!!!

Orange Race Card Angels: Metal Wood Fire

Orange Race Card Angels: Metal Wood Fire
Author Christo Strom

April 17th 2010

In a Great Pumpkin Letter first, the format for today's Great Pumpkin Letter
is going to be to promote the Grand Opening of an offline business

Starting on January 4th 2011,

ORANGE RACE CARD ANGELS

is going to be a major player in the TWIN CITIES MINNESOTA.

Metal Wood Fire is one of the twelve slogans that will be in place
by 1/4/11. Much explanations will be forthcoming in the next eight to
nine months so please Subscribe to my video channels to stay abreast
of all the happenings coming your way.

Respectfully in TRUTH

Chief Crazy Captain Christo

P.S. ( that's Pumpkin Script:) Stay Tuned Everyone, the National Debt
Clock is still ticking. Do you hear what it is saying to you?

Death ,Taxes and Frank Kern

April 15th 2010
Author Christo Strom

We interrupt the Alice Cooper Great Pumpkin Letter series until at least August 1st 2010
on the account that Chief Crazy Captain Christo is going into turbo mode. That literally
means that he is turbo charging his online presence to include videos and an offline business.
The offline business which is run in Minnesota has a grand opening of January 4th 2011
The name of it is ORANGE RACE CARD ANGELS and it will be one of four hugely successful
startups that will be the envy of the world. What? ( Rob Zombie's song thumpin in the background
at Chief Crazy Captain Christo's many hideaways!) Don't believe me yet. Too Bad cause what other business do you know that is going to successfully eliminate the National Debt? Yeah that's right,
there isn't any.
So here it is the FRANK KERN DEATH TAXES GREAT PUMPKIN LETTER

Death Taxes and Frank Kern: Witch do you Prefer

Chief Crazy Captain Christo tackles the problem of Internet Marketers lack of

RESPECT. It came across the Mid-West area called the Midwest one particular sunny summer

day. Little did Frank Kern know but Chief Crazy Captain Christo does not take rejection very well. In fact, rejection is not in his vocabulary unless of course he is playing a GAME of basketball against Michael Jordan. You be the judge who would be rejected!

Back to the story, here goes the commentary floating on the Internet's Super slow mo- dial up.

It came back rejected. Try Again. Connect with SOL ( Slick Orange Lines) known to musicians as Slinky Online Licks or Guitar Strings for the functionally illiterate. Any who, Chief Crazy Captain Christo got a rejection letter from none other than Frank Kern's secretary. Wow! What a tremendous feeling! Like a barbed wire whipping post at Golgotha if you know what I mean. After meticulously trying to set Frank up and over deliver, the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo thought to himself,

“ You know, maybe Frank didn't quite get the gist of it. He probably thought I was trying to bring Mass Control to it's knees but quite the opposite really!”

Oh well! Not a problem, unlike Al Gore and Tony Robbins, I actually like Frank so here goes the message on MASS “I HAVE” CONTROL (author's note: to be read massive control!) . We interrupt the alleged conversation as it actually will take place in the year 2010 plus two.

C.C.C.Christo-” Hey Frank whazzzz up? Glad to see you escaped from Al Gore and Tony Robbins. What a couple of hack and wheezer geezers ey?”

F. RAKER ( Frank Kern's nickname for Raking in the Bucks) -” Yeah man, thanks for the heads up. I didn't realize how much Tony's clients were swearing till it all came to a head one day.”

C.C.C.Christo-” By the way Frank, I really appreciate the fact that you took the time out to mail me the rejection postcard. It showed you cared enough to acknowledge a pre-customer. As you know, I don't take rejection lightly. I learned that from Gwen Stefani from No Doubt. I got her to start her own film company called PenGwen Island. We deal only with air brush artists and models who aren't afraid to push the envelope if you know what I mean. Great musician that Gwen!

F.RAKER- “ How the hell did you get Gwen to do it?”

C.C.C.Christo-” Are you kidding me? I told her about it and she instantly was gyrating dollar signs. Her husband actually thanked me and said , “What would you like on your Tombstone?” I told him, Keep it simply stupid, mayaz!” Have you ever seen a rock star spray milk out of his nose?”

F.RAKER-” Wow I gotta right that one down! That's flippin awesome. Hey I gotta go Chief, you know an Internet Marketer gets no respect”

C.C.C.Christo- “ Hey Frank , I'd like to tell you a story about jumping ahead and avoiding the agony of defeat. I'm going to use some Native American imagery so bear with me hear. I'll type slowly because some of your readers may be a little slow to catch on. Ready Frank, this one story is about Bean's Jump. Long time ago when engineers were men and did not stare at goats, a young man decided to be the leader of men who were building a ski jump. The ski jump was a mighty ski jump. One that you had to take an elevator to the top. When you got off the elevator you had to climb some stairs to reach the tip top. When you arrived at the final destination, you could Ventura Highway a 360 degree panoramic view of Michigan and Canada. Now I don't know about you but as a kid I remember watching ABC Wild World of Sports and the announcer Jim McKay would say those immortal words, ...” and the agony of defeat” picturing the skier falling off the ski jump. Remember Frank?

At the bottom of the ski jump in Michigan is a plaque that names who built the jump. That is my grandfather and his nickname was 'BEAN' Thanks Frank for reminding me to have fun!

Go make a video Frank and let me know you understand that the respect you cherish is within yours and everyone's reach without the agony of defeat. Unless you are friends with Tellman Knudson, then I guess the agony of the feet is acceptable. “

This has been another installment of The Great Pumpkin Letters. Stay Tuned! Pumpkin Island Studios ( not a Redneck, but Orange and Green!)

Alice Cooper 2010 : Midnight Frankenstein ( Part 2 of 6)

April Fifth 2010 Happy Birthday JC
Author Christo Strom

Alice Cooper 2010: Midnight Frankenstein ( Part 2 of 6)

In a miraculous comeback from the jaws of Death, Chief
Crazy Captain Christo is throwing in a curveball. You see
the title of this post is the most important title Alice Cooper
and Rob Zombie will ever see in their lifetime. I will explain
it like this. I put this post in so I can come back and finish it
at a later date. It has very significant ramifications for timing.
I made a promise to a five year old boy around nine years ago and I
intend to keep my promise. Remember this NINE!

Respectfully in TRUTH,

Chief Crazy Captain Christo

P.S. ( that's Pumpkin Script!) I will be going back to
Alice in Blunderland to finish parts 2-6. I am just using a
ploy called FORE SHADOWING ( not a golfers term but it could be!)

Alice Cooper 2010: Alice In Blunderland Part 1 of 6

April Fourth 2010 Happy Easter Alice Cooper!

Alice Cooper 2010 : Alice in Blunderland ( Part 1 of 6)

Author Christo Strom

Alice Cooper: Blunderland

Chief Crazy Captain Christo had a choice to make. The year was 2010 and by all accounts

his world was crashing in all around him. Penelope Cruz was no where to be found. After

searching the world over, Chief Crazy Captain Christo was about to throw in the towel when

all of a sudden a lightning bolt of TRUTH eased its way into his mind. But of course. It is

pure genius. The key to pulling off the Greatest Feat of all time. What is the key you ask.

Pull up a chair and I will tell you. The key to pulling this off is this, are you sitting down? Ready:

ALICE COOPER ALICE COOPER ALICE COOPER

Super Duper We got Cooper! I can see the headlines now. Chief Crazy Captain Christo, along

with Rob Zombie and Alice Cooper. Together they will not only find Penelope Cruz, but amazingly

enough Rob Zombie will someday rule the Oscars and the Cannes Film Festival when this seven

picture deal is inked, filmed and in the Cannes as they say in the Biz. First things first. Must find

Alice Cooper.

So without wasting a lightning second, Chief Crazy Captain Christo floats up river to the Great White North of Canada. He is half expecting to be greeted with open arms and a hearty guffaw, but

is rebuked when he accidentally pisses off a security guard.

“ Get the F*&% Off Alice Cooper's stage,” the muscle bound no neck bellowed. But Chief Crazy Captain Christo would have none of that kind of talk.

“ Back off EGOR or I'll turn you into a talking toadstool. Yeah shit for brains, I'm talking to you!

Get outta my way. I need to talk to your boss.”

The grip of EGOR's hand around Chief Crazy Captain Christo's neck was the equivalent of having a 2000 lb vice grip squeezing the life out of you. Painfully slow and fade to black. When he came to about thirty minutes later, he was backstage at the Alice Cooper Camp and a mysterious man with a stethoscope was listening to Chief Crazy Captain Christo's heart.

“ Yep, he's got one!” said the mysterious man with the stethoscope. “ Chief Crazy Captain Christo's got a heart!” That voice, that voice he had heard a billion times before. The mysterious man was none other than Alice Cooper! Hooray, I wanna be elected! But before Chief Crazy Captain Christo could get a word out about his plans to build a Thea Tree House down in Omaha Nebraska, Alice Cooper quickly retorted,

“ Names Chief Crazy Captain Christo names. In all of your other Great Pumpkin Letters, you give everyone names. Like Rob Zombie you gave the name of AZ-MA. If you are going to set me up with a name do it like in your other Great Pumpkin Letters or I walk!”

The narrator steps in. Very Well. For the rest of this Great Pumpkin Letter, Alice Cooper will go by the name of Per CE ( prononced Per Say in Canada and Per Key in USA and Per Si in South America)

Chief Crazy Captain Christo will be going by the name of Key Per. Is that better Alice?

Per CE: “ I bet you are wondering why I had my guard EGOR put a sleeper hold on you. We knew you were coming up to Canada and we have a surprise for you Chief Crazy Captain Christo. But before Rob and I tell you what the surprise is, I just want to point some thing out to you. You did a Great Pumpkin Letter about Bert Blyleven and well I just want to point something out to you. You stated and I quote “ that Canton Ohio can take a back seat.” You had the greatest speech on a baseball field ever and you ruined it by flubbing the line. Where is the Baseball Hall of Fame Chief Crazy Captain Christo?”

Key Per: “ Hey before I answer that one can I ask you one question Alice? What movie was released with Robert Downey Jr. about that detective from England I think”

Per CE: “ That movie would be SHERLOCK HOLMES”

Key Per: “ All right then, to answer your question Alice about me flubbing the line , my answer to you Alice Cooper is this , NO SHIT SHERLOCK. I know I flubbed the line but it was my first draft. Kind of like the first Draft beer you might have drank a long time ago when you knew that continuation on this kind of path would leave to a life of ruin. Am I correct Sherlock Cooper?

Per CE( with a slight tear forming on his right eye) “ OK , you got me Chief , I'm Listening.”

Key Per: “ Yeah I know where the Baseball Hall of Fame is and the point I am trying to make is this.

How the Hell can I try to get through to anyone with so many damn gate keepers blocking true brilliance from getting through?”

This has been another abbreviated edition of The Great Pumpkin Letters. Part One of Six to be lengthened out to Part three of Eighteen. After all, it will be Eighteen and I like it. Stay Tuned!

Big Government and The Easter Egg

Saturday April Third ( Easter Eve )
Author Chief Crazy Captain Christo

Sent in Place of The Great Pumpkin
Enjoy!

In a stunning and incredible turn of events
Chief Crazy Captain Christo has decided
to take on
Big Government and The National Debt.

You see, the Statue of Liberty is Speechless.
So Chief Crazy Captain Christo is giving her

A VOICE with a CHOICE

Here in it's painfully funny Glory B to the Highest
is the Conversation recorded between
Chief Crazy Captain Christo and Lady Liberty (S^O^L)

Conversation between Chief Crazy Captain Christo and The Statue of Liberty

CCCChristo: "So I says to the Landlady , I will go and ask Pigpen from Days gone by, you know Pigpen from Grateful Dead days gone by,
and Pigpen from Charles Schultz Days gone by, and I will slay this DRAGON with PURE CUNNING HONEY"

S^O^L( Statue of Liberty): "But who are you again? Everyone knows me Chief Crazy Captain Christo. I am a gift from The French!"

CCCChristo:" Ahh yes, a gift from the FRENCH! A WENCH from the FRENCH. Hey you know what Lady Liberty, I love French's Mustard"

S^O^L ( rolling her eyes) " Oh not another Mustard Joke!"

CCCChristo : " Why can't you stand another Mustard Joke? Anyways, as I was saying, the reason I love French's Mustard is the color it represents.
You see I believe it represents the color of every Politician whoever has been elected to office, from the President of the United States to everyone below him.
From Supreme Court Justices, to House of Representatives to the Senate and Blah Blah Bloated Overpaid Windbags who claim to
" Represent the People"

S^O^L: " So You are saying Big Government and everyone involved are Chickens?"

CCCChristo: " B-I-N-G-O , we have a winner from The Ellis Island the Lady holding the Torch. In case you want to know why, I am posting this on EASTER EVE.
The reason as such My Lady is this . WARS AND The National DEBT. Oh by the way, you can catch my SPEECHES coming after July 9th 2010.
I will explain in PLAIN ENGLISH how to SLAY the NATIONAL DEBT using a FAMILY of AMERICAN VOLUNTEERS.

S^O^L: " How do you think you are going to accomplish this feat since no one has ever attempted this rather daunting task"

CCCChristo: " One Speech at a time, Five minutes or Less on YOUTUBE, Starting MAY First. Till then Keep the Light on My Lady"

S^O^L: " Can you give me two reasons I should listen to you Chief Crazy Captain Christo? "

CCCChristo:" I'll give you two reasons yeah sure here they are. You know that thing called LIFE and DEATH? You know the debate has been
going on for centuries about Life after Death. Well here's something to think about. You people on Earth haven't even figured out the answer
to WHAT CAME FIRST : The CHICKEN or The EGG. If you can't even come up with the answer to that question, what on Earth
are you doing trying to figure out Life after Death questions?"

Stay TUNED AMERICA and President Obama and Former Presidents still living.
As Jimi Hendrix would say , " I'm coming to GETCHA!:)


Respectfully in TRUTH,

Chief Crazy Captain Christo

P.S. ( that's Pumpkin Script!) Now who wants some Pumpkin Pie?