Alice Cooper 2010 : Alice in Blunderland ( Part 1 of 6)
Author Christo Strom
Alice Cooper: Blunderland
Chief Crazy Captain Christo had a choice to make. The year was 2010 and by all accounts
his world was crashing in all around him. Penelope Cruz was no where to be found. After
searching the world over, Chief Crazy Captain Christo was about to throw in the towel when
all of a sudden a lightning bolt of TRUTH eased its way into his mind. But of course. It is
pure genius. The key to pulling off the Greatest Feat of all time. What is the key you ask.
Pull up a chair and I will tell you. The key to pulling this off is this, are you sitting down? Ready:
ALICE COOPER ALICE COOPER ALICE COOPER
Super Duper We got Cooper! I can see the headlines now. Chief Crazy Captain Christo, along
with Rob Zombie and Alice Cooper. Together they will not only find Penelope Cruz, but amazingly
enough Rob Zombie will someday rule the Oscars and the Cannes Film Festival when this seven
picture deal is inked, filmed and in the Cannes as they say in the Biz. First things first. Must find
Alice Cooper.
So without wasting a lightning second, Chief Crazy Captain Christo floats up river to the Great White North of Canada. He is half expecting to be greeted with open arms and a hearty guffaw, but
is rebuked when he accidentally pisses off a security guard.
“ Get the F*&% Off Alice Cooper's stage,” the muscle bound no neck bellowed. But Chief Crazy Captain Christo would have none of that kind of talk.
“ Back off EGOR or I'll turn you into a talking toadstool. Yeah shit for brains, I'm talking to you!
Get outta my way. I need to talk to your boss.”
The grip of EGOR's hand around Chief Crazy Captain Christo's neck was the equivalent of having a 2000 lb vice grip squeezing the life out of you. Painfully slow and fade to black. When he came to about thirty minutes later, he was backstage at the Alice Cooper Camp and a mysterious man with a stethoscope was listening to Chief Crazy Captain Christo's heart.
“ Yep, he's got one!” said the mysterious man with the stethoscope. “ Chief Crazy Captain Christo's got a heart!” That voice, that voice he had heard a billion times before. The mysterious man was none other than Alice Cooper! Hooray, I wanna be elected! But before Chief Crazy Captain Christo could get a word out about his plans to build a Thea Tree House down in Omaha Nebraska, Alice Cooper quickly retorted,
“ Names Chief Crazy Captain Christo names. In all of your other Great Pumpkin Letters, you give everyone names. Like Rob Zombie you gave the name of AZ-MA. If you are going to set me up with a name do it like in your other Great Pumpkin Letters or I walk!”
The narrator steps in. Very Well. For the rest of this Great Pumpkin Letter, Alice Cooper will go by the name of Per CE ( prononced Per Say in Canada and Per Key in USA and Per Si in South America)
Chief Crazy Captain Christo will be going by the name of Key Per. Is that better Alice?
Per CE: “ I bet you are wondering why I had my guard EGOR put a sleeper hold on you. We knew you were coming up to Canada and we have a surprise for you Chief Crazy Captain Christo. But before Rob and I tell you what the surprise is, I just want to point some thing out to you. You did a Great Pumpkin Letter about Bert Blyleven and well I just want to point something out to you. You stated and I quote “ that Canton Ohio can take a back seat.” You had the greatest speech on a baseball field ever and you ruined it by flubbing the line. Where is the Baseball Hall of Fame Chief Crazy Captain Christo?”
Key Per: “ Hey before I answer that one can I ask you one question Alice? What movie was released with Robert Downey Jr. about that detective from England I think”
Per CE: “ That movie would be SHERLOCK HOLMES”
Key Per: “ All right then, to answer your question Alice about me flubbing the line , my answer to you Alice Cooper is this , NO SHIT SHERLOCK. I know I flubbed the line but it was my first draft. Kind of like the first Draft beer you might have drank a long time ago when you knew that continuation on this kind of path would leave to a life of ruin. Am I correct Sherlock Cooper?
Per CE( with a slight tear forming on his right eye) “ OK , you got me Chief , I'm Listening.”
Key Per: “ Yeah I know where the Baseball Hall of Fame is and the point I am trying to make is this.
How the Hell can I try to get through to anyone with so many damn gate keepers blocking true brilliance from getting through?”
This has been another abbreviated edition of The Great Pumpkin Letters. Part One of Six to be lengthened out to Part three of Eighteen. After all, it will be Eighteen and I like it. Stay Tuned!
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